Valentine’s Day is celebrated around the globe. In the US alone, it is estimated that Americans spent around USD 26 billion for Valentine’s Day this year. When there is so much love being expressed, why is it that almost 50% of all marriages in the US end in divorces? What do we need to do to find The One that we want to spend the rest of our life with?
Stop focusing on searching for The One
Many of us make a mistake into thinking that we always have to be on the search mode to find that perfect match. We feel that we need to be our perfect selves for The One to recognize us. We sometimes just want to be in love that we let ourselves fall for the first person who comes our way. The truth is, the more we focus on searching for The One, the more we are likely to fall for the wrong person. Remember Frozen’s Anna? She so wanted to find The One. Sure enough, she fell in love with the evil Hans, who she happened to meet first before Kristoff.
A couple of reasons why focusing on searching for The One is not a good idea. When we only think about The One, we put ourselves in an emotional state that may blind our judgments of people’s true characters. One may miss small red signals because “everything feels right”. Also, when we’re in the search mode, the other person may not get to see the true genuine us. He may fall in love with just the perfect version. We want the person to fall in love with all of us, the perfectly imperfect version.
Then, what should we focus on? Instead of focusing on searching, focus on finding oneself. Only when we are comfortable in our own skins, and feel confident about being ourselves, can we find The One. I used to think that the familiar cheesy line “you complete me” was cute and romantic. Then soon I realized, nope, I don’t need another person to complete me. I am full and complete just being myself. What the other person can do is to help you become a better you. If you ever for a moment thought you need another person to complete you, immediately discard that thought. Confidence is what makes a woman most attractive, so focus on being you. Do this not for someone else, but for yourself.
Be self-aware
To find The One, we have to know what we want. I remember in my early twenties, some of my friends wrote down a list of characteristics of their ideal partner. Affluent, handsome, well-educated, good family background, funny, tall, athletic, kind, romantic, thoughtful, etc and the list went on and on. Dude.. That’s Brad Pitt in real life. Maybe lower the bar a little? What is most important to you? It is time to prioritize the top three things from that endless list.
Crossing out what’s not important may be a good place to start. For instance, I knew for myself that my partner having money didn’t matter. If the partner had money at that young age, it’s mostly because his parents are rich. I actually didn’t want that. I liked the idea of building our dreams and growing our wealths together. That meant, while dating, we may not be able to eat or do fancy things. Our dates may just be getting an ice cream and strolling around the park. I was completely ok with it. In fact, that was perfect. Take time to reflect and really know what attributes are most important to you when looking for a partner.
Watch for the chemistry
Chemistry is the emotional connection between two people. This is not as straightforward because chemistry happens when a mixture of intangibles such as communication styles, ability to listen and empathize, life values, sense of humor, contributes to how much one person feels connected to the other. I remember when I first chatted with my husband, I really just genuinely enjoyed talking to him about anything under the Sun. Contrary to what my other friends thought, I found him incredibly funny. He was the best listener. I always felt heard and understood. We rarely fought and if we did, we came to a resolution together. For the most part, things seemed really easy with him.
Chemistry should be deeply rooted in the life values. If you want to find The One, it is very important to find someone that shares same values. If family is what’s important, then find that person who also values family as much as you do. That way, when things get rough, these values will serve as the North Star and guide the path forward. As long as both are committed to the relationship, the couple will be able to navigate through life.
After a mistake, Frozen’s Anna learns and realizes Kristoff is The One. He doesn’t look anything like what she imagined, but she’s finally found the true love. Finding The One is not an easy process. Live your life, know what’s important to you, and see if there is genuine chemistry. The One will most likely fall in love with the confident you who live life to the fullest.
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